Tag Archives: squash machines

A Wrestler That Looks Taller Than The Great Khali

by Daniel Johnson

The Giant Pharaoh vs. Chris Escobar, The Giant Pharaoh vs. Lucifer Lords, The Giant Pharaoh vs. Image

The ancient Egyptians are known for a lot of things including the pyramids, worshiping cats and now producing squash machines like The Giant Pharaoh. The Great Khali is probably a good deal taller than Pharaoh, but NWA On Fire does a great job making Pharaoh look taller than he actually is. From the low camera angles to the fairly short opponents to the referee climbing the ropes to raise his hand in victory everything is orchestrated masterfully. Plus, the squashing is a blast.

The clip starts with Pharaoh taking on Escobar in a normal match. A Razor’s edge into a powerbomb later and Pharaoh is demanding more opponents. Next, out comes Lords. He is similarly beaten in seconds with a double-handed chokeslam. Following this bout Pharaoh taps into the moveset of The Great Khali by walloping Escobar and Lords with a double brain chop. Only he does it off the ropes! The final match brings out Image, who looks less jobberific than Escobar and Lords and is kind of fat so he has that going for him. However, looks can be deceiving. Pharaoh squashes him with a plan old sidewalk slam.

Before the clip ends Pharaoh also has a brief stare down with NWA On Fire regular Josef Von Schmidt, but nothing comes of it.

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WWE No Way Out (2012) Review

WWE No Way Out (2012) had a lot going against it before the show even started. John Cena taking on The Big Show for the umpteenth time was booked as the main event. Despite some possibly good matches the rest of the card was booked pretty thin. Alberto Del Rio was yanked out of the World Heavyweight Championship picture and Dolph Ziggler was put in his place. Regardless of what you think of Del Rio or Ziggler there is no denying that in the months leading up to this card Del Rio was built up much better. Ziggler on the other hand had received a push that was underwhelming to say the least. The match for the WWE Championship was much more promising and delivered. So let us take a look at WWE’s big day in June.

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Sheamus (c) defeated Dolph Ziggler (with Vickie Guerrero) to retain the World Heavyweight Championship

The early going of this match revisits Sheamus’ Wrestlemania 28 encounter with Ziggler getting a kiss from Vickie only to turn around for a brogue kick. Ziggler sees Sheamus preparing for it and ducks out of the ring. Sheamus roughs him up for a while, but Ziggler hits a sweet looking DDT. Now in control, Ziggler goes for a pin, but only manages a one count. Sheamus gets Ziggler in a fireman’s carry position, but Ziggler gets out of it for another DDT. Ziggler is putting on rest holds left and right making for a weary crowd. The match drudges on until Ziggler hits a zig zag. The crowd chants, “lets go Ziggler,” but Jerry Lawler swears the audience is chanting, “lets go Sheamus.” Ziggler hits a face buster from the ropes, but Sheamus continues to kick out. Sheamus gets in an Irish curse then it is just a matter of time before the brogue kick and the three count.

Rating: 2.5 stars

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Santino Marella defeated Ricardo Rodriguez in a tuxedo match

Santino actually held the WWE United States Championship during this bout which has to make it among the low points for places that this title appeared at. The two try to appeal to the audience to start off and Santino wins. Ricardo rips off some of Santino’s powder blue tux first. Santino responds in kind and manages to get off Ricardo’s jacket. Santino then holds up the jacket like a matador and Rodriguez attempts to strike. The fight drags on and “boring” chants break out. Santino reveals he is wearing a cobra sock while Rodriguez is stripping him. Santino hits Ricardo with it and wins revealing that Ricardo has on underpants featuring Alberto Del Rio’s face.

Rating: 0 stars

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Christian defeated Cody Rhodes to retain the WWE Intercontinental Championship

Well, they picked the right match to get things back on track. Cody starts by getting Christian in a headlock. After some punishment Christian gets in the power position with some shoulder blocks. The fight spills outside and Cody takes charge by throwing Christian back in the ring and working on his left elbow. Christian puts Cody’s legs around a ring post, but before he can do anything Cody pulls Christian into the post. Rhodes keeps working Christian’s arm, but when the action goes outside again Christian jumps on the ringside steps and DDTs Rhodes. Back inside Christian gets a top rope crossbody, but Rhodes rolls it over for two. Christian hits a top rope hurricanrana, but only gets two. Cody gets an Albama slam on Christian, but can’t manage to win. Christian hits the killswitch, but only gets two. Christian attempts the frog splash, but Cody puts his knees up. The match erupts into a series of misses and reversals until Christian hits a spear to pull out the victory.

Rating: 4 stars

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The Prime Time Players defeated Primo and Epico (with A.W. and Rosa Mendes), The Usos and Tyson Kidd and Justin Gabriel to become the number one contenders for the WWE Tag Team Championship

Titus O’Neil and Jay Uso start off and they soon tag in their partners leading to Darren Young getting some chops in The Usos’ corner. Things are pretty quiet until Justin Gabriel gets tagged in and The Prime Time Players mess him up. Young gets Gabriel in a chinlock and the match quiets down again. Gabriel rebounds slightly and The Prime Time Players exit to allow Primo and Epico in to double team Gabriel. Tyson Kidd finally gets tagged in and he hits an array of moves on Primo culminating in a blockbuster from the top rope. Primo gets things going for him after avoiding some Kidd offense. This doesn’t last long because Kidd hits a hurricanrana to the outside that takes out everyone as they brawl on the floor. Primo and Darren Young come back in and Young lifts Primo up a drives him into his knees. Young gets a three count while A.W. holds onto Epico’s leg as he tries to make the save. A.W. has betrayed his team and gone onto manage The Prime Time Players.

Rating: 3.25 stars

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Layla (c) defeated Beth Phoenix to retain the WWE Divas Championship

Before this match HHH laid out a challenge for Brock Lesnar and Paul Heyman. Getting back to the wrestling, Beth gets an early advantage by laying in some power moves and trash talking her opponent. Layla hits a dropkick and starts mocking Phoenix. Beth starts beating down Layla after hitting her off of the ring apron. Phoenix makes a mistake by putting Layla in a gorilla press slam position that Layla reverses into a DDT. Shortly after Layla hits a neckbreaker for the win.

Rating: 3 stars

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Sin Cara defeated Hunico (with Camacho)

The WWE continues to use the stupid lighting gimmick for Sin Cara’s singles matches. Hunico is dominant early on after scoring a dropkick. Hunico keeps Sin Cara grounded and puts him in three separate chinlocks. Hunico hits Sin Cara with a sitout powerbomb, but then Sin Cara starts building up momentum and hits a hurricanrana on Hunico after bouncing off of the ropes. Out of nowhere Sin Cara gets the three count.

Rating: 3 stars

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CM Punk defeated Kane and Daniel Bryan to retain the WWE Championship in a three way match

Throughout the night AJ Lee had backstage segments with all three competitors including making out with Kane. At one point Punk and Bryan slug it out with Bryan saying, “yes” and Punk saying, “no.” Punk wins the slugfest and Bryan exits the ring. Punk attempts a suicide dive, but Kane stops it. Soon, Kane and Bryan are outside the ring allowing Punk to hit a plancha on them. Kane attacks Punk after taking out Bryan with a right hand. After a while Kane is really taking apart Punk’s midsection, but makes a mistake when inside the ring Punk hits him with a big boot. Bryan comes out of nowhere with a flying dropkick on Punk. Bryan takes center stage and even hits a double dropkick from the top on both opponents simultaneously. Following this up, Bryan delivers a slew of kicks that the crowd chants along with. Eventually, Punk hits the “Macho Man” Randy Savage elbow on Bryan for two. Punk tries one on Kane, but misses. Bryan gets a diving headbutt on Punk. After a kick, Bryan then clamps on the yes lock, but Punk reverses it into a pin. Punk hits the go to sleep on Bryan, but Kane saves him. Kane goes for the chokeslam on Punk, but Punk reverses it into a DDT and hits a top rope elbow. Punk attempts the go to sleep on Kane, but it is too much weight and instead he gets a big boot and chokeslam. A little later AJ tries to run in, but Kane accidentally bumps her off of the ring apron. While Kane is distracted Punk wallops him with a kick to the head followed by a go to sleep for the win. Kane carries AJ out afterward as she looks fondly at Punk.

Rating: 4.25 stars

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Ryback defeated Dan Delaney and Rob Grymes

The jobber duo sing the classic Wrestlemania theme before Ryback comes in. It is a decent squash match. Ryback even goes to the ropes and falls down like a big tree on one opponent. Ryback says, “feed me three” before obliterating his victims. Matches like this work to cement Ryback’s status as the current squash machine of squash machines.

Rating: 3 stars

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John Cena defeated The Big Show in a steel cage match

If John Cena wins this one then Vince McMahon will fire John Laurinaitis, but if The Big Show wins then Johnny Ace will fire Cena. Show throws Cena into the cage to start. He tries to hit the WMD early on, but Cena ducks and Show smacks his fist against the cage. Show stays dominant, but The Big Show makes a big mistake when he tries to climb the cage and Cena crotches him on the ropes. Show comes back and delivers a Vader bomb. Big Van would be proud. The big guy is not done with his aerial moves and he walks to the middle of the top rope for an elbow…that misses! Show attempts to crawl out, but Cena catches him. Cena almost gets out after a shoulder block. Ace shuts the cage door, but McMahon opens it. Ace shoves McMahon and slams the door again. Cena turns around for a chokeslam. Show hits two WMDs, the first one on the ref then one on Cena. Show attempts an escape, but Brodus Clay is outside the cage door with a steel chair. Santino, Alex Riley, Zack Ryder and Kofi Kingston join Brodus. Show climbs (after somehow knocking Ryder out through the cage wall), but gets knocked off the top by Kofi. Cena then gives Show the attitude adjustment. Cena wins and Ace is out! Cena emphasizes it with an attitude adjustment through an announce table on Ace as McMahon delives his classic line, “you’re fired!”

Rating: 2.25 stars

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Photo Credit: en.wikipedia.org

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Christmas Creature Invades USWA

As I’m sure you’d agree there is no better time to celebrate Christmas than mid-September. In that vein I give you one of the USWA’s most awesomely ridiculous gimmicks, Glenn Jacobs aka Kane dressing up like a Christmas tree to become, Christmas Creature. This squash machine tears right through Trey Keller, but really the entire atmosphere around this match is awesome. First, you have some guy who Bert Prentice probably correctly calls a town drunk that comes out dressed like Santa Claus (unfortunately, not Xanta Claus). Then you have Prentice berating him for being overweight despite Prentice looking like he consumed a town drunk or two in the back. Next, Brian Christopher comes out for little (no?) reason and laughs like a hyena. All this before the squash match even begins!

After the match more awesomeness occurs when Jerry Lawler makes reference to the WWF’s invasion of the USWA. He refers to his battle with Koko B. Ware by calling him just Koko Ware. Hey! Maybe if Koko B. Ware heard this and got on the ball he could have beaten P. Diddy to the punch! Yes, before Sean John came out we could have had Koko Wear! Lawler then says that he will take on Christmas Creature and rip his mask off to reveal someone from the WWF, which will somehow help stop the invasion. If only WCW ripped this off for their New World Order invasion the company might still be going!

In closing I hate to be a buzz kill, but sadly I have to post to this match after Jerry Lawler suffered a heart attack on WWE Monday Night Raw. If the King of Memphis makes a good enough recovery, but decides traveling on the road is too much for him hopefully WWE keeps him around as some kind of creative force.  As much as I like to poke fun at these old USWA clips I do find them incredibly entertaining and at times more enjoyable than the wrestling I see on television every week.

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Jack Hammering through the USWA

The guy who came up with the name, “Jack Hammer” for a wrestler must hold a booking record for a gimmick named in four seconds. At least the quality of the name matches the quality of the wrestler! Yes, these were dark times in Memphis when a guy wearing a third rate imitation of Road Warriors’ gear could be booked as a major squash machine. Heck, this was 1995 when the actual Road Warriors weren’t even that popular! Speaking of waning popularity old Jack even makes an M.C. Hammer reference during the pre-match interview by asking, “What times is it?” Again, this is 1995.

As for the match itself it is a typical USWA squash with legendary jobber T.D. Steel doing his best to make Mr. Hammer look like a beast. Despite the efforts of such jobbers the suckitude of their would-be stars helped the company go out of business about two years later.

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A Scrub Tag Team

As it turns out the non-Steve Williams’ Dr. Death was not the only USWA wrestler who decided to wrestle in scrubs. Accompanied by territory “legend” (and I use that term very loosely and those quotation marks very firmly) Boss Winters, The Goon Squad were the latest in a long line of wrestlers who gained super powers and instant credibility by putting on masks.

The match itself is brief with The Goon Squad making short work of resident jobbers Vin Jordan and T.D. Steel. Perhaps the two could have been legitimate squash machines if they were built more like machines and less like sink pipes. The bout is capped off with the bigger goon getting Steel in a bear hug and the smaller goon clotheslining Steel for the Hart Attack. Who knows maybe Bret Hart and Jim Neidhart are under those masks. Actually, Neidhart does know and I’m sure it wasn’t them.

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Dr. Death Debuts

Wow! Everything about this clip is mildly amusing. First, Nurse Kratchett comes out and gives a promo that convinces the viewer that she must be a real nurse. Not because she is particularly convincing or anything, but her tired voice makes it sound like she just worked a 20 hour shift at the local hospital. Along with her is the debuting “star” Dr. Death. Yet, instead of getting the much beloved Steve Williams, little known Kenny Kendall is instead in full blown doctor gear with scrubs, mask and before the match he even puts on rubber gloves!

Across the ring from Dr. Death is Freezer Thompson. I can only guess that they called him Freezer Thompson because before his matches he was always digging ice cream sandwiches out of the freezer. The squash ends abruptly when Nurse Kratchett hits Freezer with a bedpan and produces a sound right out of a Three Stooges short.

 

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Tony Atlas in WWC

Old school territory star and everyone’s favorite wrestling foot fetishist Tony Atlas was no stranger to Puerto Rico. As a squash machine, Atlas was a pretty meat and potatoes wrestler focusing on a lot of power moves and doing little out of the norm for even big matches. The reason Atlas is so fondly remembered though and has had great longevity in the art of professional wrestling is because of his natural charisma, which makes it easy for him to work the crowd.

Or I should say his natural charisma…and the fact that he had one of the most chiseled bodies of all the major drawing 1980′s wrestlers. Going up against the pot-belied Destroyer there is little question who the fans see as the bigger superstar.

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Vader Annihilates Masahito Kakihara

Like the 5 star classic I posted about yesterday, the Union of Wrestling Forces International in general promoted a more realistic style of wrestling that downplayed things like hitting the ropes and excessive aerial maneuvers. According to the ever reliable Wikipedia and more importantly the clip itself, matches were based on a point system with each wrestler in a singles match starting with 15 points . As a bout went on wrestlers would lose points based on the offense they suffered.

Some impressions of this clip:

*I loved Vader’s theme music here! Definitely fitting of a final boss in a Super Nintendo game!

*Good to see that Vader actually sells some offense from Masahito Kakihara. One of the biggest squash machines who ever lived doing this really promotes the realistic nature of the fight.

*Vader’s chokeslam and final move look absolutely lethal!

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Andre The Giant Destroys Two Japanese Wrestlers

In 1979 Andre The Giant was still fairly mobile and could perform power moves with the best of them. In this match though Andre doesn’t just start tossing around Haruka Eigen and Osamu Kido from the start. Instead he actually takes some punishment and also my goodness look at what he does with his legs on the mat! It sure is an interesting way to fight off two guys if nothing else.

Some modern day squash machines like Ryback could do worse than digging up some old Andre matches if they haven’t already. While how immobile Andre became in his later career may be the dominant image some have of him, in the 1970s he could still put on a diverse show.

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